A Homework Story From Rayanne Coy

Here's a story from Rayanne Coy, a personal coach, and friend of mine. 


She can be found at: 


http://www.rayannecoy.com/

Here's one that came up yesterday that may hit home with you. The answer for me was to just stay calm, but of course I couldn't resist the natural reflex to get involved and say too much! 

Story: I walk into our home after being out. It's after 8:00 p.m. so it's late. I see my 11 year old son working diligently at the kitchen table. I feel the energy in the room which is stiff, stressful, discouraged and tired. I can tell that my child has been struggling with his math homework. 

I'm not sure what happened exactly, but I must have invaded his space and jumped into what he was doing too quickly. He resisted my help and left the room to lay on the couch in the adjoining room. There I was -- just me and his homework. I asked "how can I help you" and I got a grunt and some emotion around homework and school being hard. I sat down and tried to figure out the answer to the problem. He checked out further. 

I saw that we were going nowhere and let him know that I was there for him when he was ready. I sensed that a battle had been lost earlier between my son and my husband. 

The biggest thing that I learned from this was to stay calm, slow to respond and almost curious and on the sidelines when you are entering into a situation where your gut tells you there is struggle. I wished that I would have let my son take the lead and acknowledged him for what he was already doing well -- focusing! 

This morning, I apologized and gave him a hug letting him know that I loved him just the way that he is and that I believe in him! This felt good for both of us!! 

How difficult it is to remember that it's HIS homework, his learning and to not take responsibility FOR him/his homework, but to be responsible TO him for how I behave! How do you handle these situations? What brings you to a place of calm when you're really feeling a bit anxious about how homework is getting done or not getting done?

Anyone Hear The Rotor Blades?

I once had a teenage client that shared a great visual with me. "Have you ever been around a helicopter when it is flying really low and coming right at you from far away?"

I told him that I had.  My house sits on a direct flight path between The White House and a place called Mt. Weather, which is a sofisticated bunker used in case of a federal emergency.  It also houses FEMA, the emergency agency for the U.S.  After 9/11, there were probably 50-60 flights a day that would fly at tree top level over my house, shuttling officials between Washington and Mt. Weather.  

It's a very weird noise unless you are prepared for it.  At first, it sounds just like a regular helicopter: wump, wump, wump.  Then, as it gets closer, you don't just hear the sounds, you actually start feeling it.  I don't know the technical reasons, but the sound definitely becomes like shock waves.  Anywhere in the house you can feel it. If you are outside at the time, it kind of hurts.  Then it goes overhead and the pain subsides.

Anyway, back to the story. I told him, yes, I know exactly what he means.

It's that time of year, where we start the slow burn of anxiety about the school year beginning. Here's an article to keep in mind when your worries sky rocket and you just want to make sure everything gets done the right way the first time:


Helicopter Parents

Interviews from WUSA Channel 9

OK, so I know that this interview wasn't about parenting and schoolwork, but I think there's some good info in it and I love the couple!

"Couples Compatibility, Part 1"

"Couples Compatibility, Part 2"

Kids These Days...

This morning I read a Newsweek article about the declining creativity in America's youth. In summary, the article describes the decline of creativity, as measured by an assessment tool developed in 1958, is declining in children of today. The article then blames the usual suspects: TV, video games, internet, and...you guessed it:  schools.

I've got a significantly different take on "kids these days," and I sometimes feel like I'm in the significant minority.  First, let me tell you why I'm so optimistic about our youth.

I am a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Reston, VA, which is a suburb of Washington, DC. I specialize in working with children and teens dealing with difficulties in their lives: school issues, under-achievement, behavior problems, depression, etc. I work with the kids and their parents to help create a better outcome. 

I have the privilege of being able to sit and talk with kids about their lives, feelings, ideas, and dreams for about 5 hours of my day. It's an amazing job, and I'm amazed at how few people get to spend so much time just talking with kids. The kids I work with tell me pretty regularly that they have never had someone sit and talk with them for an hour and just be interested in their lives, their feelings, and their ideas.

Because of this privilege I have been given, I think I have a good idea of what's happening with kids these days. At least the kids in my little section of the world. And I have to say that I am impressed and amazed, sometimes to the point of being stunned.

I am impressed at their ability to think through ideas and synthesize new ways of considering things. I have watched as kids will make amazing leaps of logic and not know exactly how they got there. Kids in the last ten years have been living such a radically different existence than any other generation before them, that our ways of measuring their progress don't work. 

My thought is that we are doing what every generation of parents do: We talk about how kids these days are in trouble. And it seems that every generation ends up doing some amazing things as adults.

My hope, and my prediction, is that these kids are going to blow us away with what they do when they are in charge!

Great Book on Parenting Teens

As I was driving to work the other day, listening to NPR (yes, I'm an NPR nerd), I caught a bit of an interview with Laura Kastner.  She's a researcher who has written a book on dealing with teenagers.  Instead of the typical parenting book, she has taken some cutting edge brain science to help parents understand why their teen is acting so nuts.  


I'm so impressed with the book that I'm developing a seminar for schools and churches based on her ideas. If you know of any parent group that would be interested in having me out to share this great info, I'd appreciate it!


Just click on the book cover to get more info.

How We Make Homework Even More Confusing

I'm sure you've been getting them as well. The letters, emails, articles online and in the magazines.  It's back to school time.  This year, I'm looking more carefully at what comes home.  I figured I'd better, since I'm writing a book about homework...


There's always been something that has bugged me about the advice for parents about how to help kids with school, and I think I've figured out what it is.  We are being told two messages that contradict each other.  Here they are:


1.  Parents need to be involved in their children's school work.
2.  It's the children's school work, not your work.  Don't be a helicopter parent when it comes to school.


Schools certainly mean well. They want our kids to be as successful as possible. They want our kids to learn.  But there are times when it's pretty confusing.  "How am I supposed to be involved, and not involved at the same time?"


I think the problem is that these two messages are meant to be heard by two different types of parents.  Message number one, parents need to be involved in their children's school work, is meant to be hear by those parents who are not involved enough.  Message number two, it's the children's school work, not your work, is meant to be heard by the parents who are way too involved.  


I'm working on a quiz to help you think about which type of parent you are, which might help you figure out which message is meant for you.  As the school year gets in swing, I'll be sharing some ideas you can use right away to get better at this.

Homework Parenting Advice - Beyond The Obvious

There's a ton of advice out there about how parents can help their kids deal with their homework.  A good deal of it falls into the "eat right and exercise regularly" type.  Such as:  have a consistent time for homework; have few distractions; don't do the homework for your child.  So why is it that, regardless of how well we try to follow this advice, we end up not being helpful?  Why do things end up in a shouting match?  Or a silent standoff?  If you haven't experienced a silent standoff, let me explain:  It's when your child will still stay in the room, with pencil in hand, but just sits there saying nothing and doing nothing.


I read a good article this morning from a parenting expert and I want to emphasize some of her points, which I think are crucial:


Secrets to Ending Homework Battles

Let me be a spoiler right away and tell you that there are no "secrets" in this article, but some really good stuff to keep in mind:


3. Insist homework be her responsibility not yours


I really like this one, but the question is:  Who am I trying to convince that the homework is her responsibility?  We tend to get into the trap of trying to convince the child, instead of convincing ourselves. "It's not MY homework, It's not MY homework" should be a mantra we tell ourselves, instead of trying to convince our kids of this.


5. Consider a getting a tutor


This is advice that I know a ton of well meaning parents don't like. "Why should I hire someone to do something I should be doing?  It's not like I don't understand fractions."  The problem is that for most of us, it's really hard to stay calm and focused when it's our own child. There are so many emotions tied up in the parent/child bond that sometimes it's hard for both people to struggle through homework.

"I was tired of viewing my kids through the bars of a shopping cart."

This was a quote from Hillary Tattersal, as I interviewed her for my book.  We were talking about how hectic her life was being a full time professional and then trying to spend time with her kids AND deal with shopping, cooking, etc.  "When I began to realize that the most face time with my kids was while grocery shopping, I realized this was not what I wanted for my family."

But leaving the professional life and becoming a full time mom was not nearly as smooth as Hillary hoped it would be.  I will be detailing her difficulties and how she dealt with it in my book:  HomeWork.

Interviewing for my book: "HomeWork" has begun

Well, after a couple of years of dreaming, planning, and saying "one of these days," the book process is beginning in earnest, beginning today.  I will be profiling a number of parents for my book to get a sense of how different people deal with the difficulties of staying a calm leader when dealing with school issues with our kids.  My interview today is with Hillary Tattersall, someone I have known for dozens of years and is a childhood friend of my wife, Colleen.  In my opinion, Hillary has found that balance of being there for her kids and family, while at the same time doing things for herself that is really energizing.  She has developed a group of women who love to make things and has given them a place to share their talents and provide extra income for their families.  Here's her website:

www.chickspicksbyhillary.com

Connecting To Your Teenager

My Interview for Channel 8 Let's Talk Live

ScreamFree Marriage Is Hitting The Bookshelves....Eventually....

 I just saw this on Amazon, which is really cool.  I've been working with Hal on "field testing" the concepts in the book, and so far I really like the concepts.  I can't wait to see the final version.